Welcome to Conscious Curiosity, where we break down concepts & insights from experts for normal people, particularly insights into relationships, faith & psychology. Basically cliff notes for grown-ups!
Here's this month's "zoom in" edition:
On being "Good Enough" (and other aspirations)
Conscious Curiosity: Edition No. 11
{psychology + relationships}
How "Good Enough " is actually *exactly* enough, both in parenting and in life:
We've been learning this summer about the neuroception of safety, our brain's unconscious threat detection system, and how our brains form a "perception" of reality by combining all of our past life experiences with what is objectively happening in the present to create our subjective experience of reality.
This helps us understand why our experience of a situation or interaction can feel so different at times from another person's. It also helps us respond with compassion & curiosity anytime we encounter a big reaction we don't understand, whether in ourselves or in someone else.
But what about when we're just flat-out overwhelmed & exhausted? When our capacity to attune or respond with compassion & curiosity is just maxed? What about the times we aren't feeling safe, seen, soothed or secure and therefore struggle to help our kids (or spouses or friends) feel that way around us?
This is where the work of developmental psychologist Ed Tronick is profoundly helpful. Tronick's research revealed that parents only accurately attune to the child's needs 30% of the time, and that is enough for secure attachment to develop. You heard that right—30% of the time. Another third of the time, parents will be out of sync entirely, unable to determine what their child needs. The remaining instances are when the parents struggle to attune, initially misreading their child's needs, but then troubleshoot their way to getting in sync.
This process in relationships often referred to as "rupture & repair," and it is this resolution process that is actually the most crucial for healthy development & attachment.
As parents (actually, just as humans!), we are operating under a complex state of demands. Stephen Porges, the developer of Polyvagal Theory who discovered the concept of neuroception, says that at the core, the thing that triggers all of our nervous systems to move into a state of threat is "violation of expectancy," aka unpredictability. What could be more unpredictable than raising tiny humans? And especially in the chaos & tumult of the last several years? It's no wonder we feel stretched to the max many (if not most!) days.
TL;DR: We are all imperfect parents (and people) who need self-compassion for our own nervous system overload & resulting behavior. WHEN, not IF, we mess up, the power is in the repair.
We all strive to turn toward our kids & spouses with safety & connection as often as we humanly can. BUT, when we miss the mark, can we own up to our mistakes & admit it (both to ourselves & out loud to the people on the other side)? Can we let ourselves off the hook of having to get everything right all the time, give ourselves & others grace, and let out a big exhale?
Borrowing from one of my favorite Substacker/podcasters, Erin Moon, who ends her newsletter with this affirmation each week:
Hey. Hey look at me. Look at my eyes. You’re doing great. You’re a real treasure. Okay, go get ‘em, champ.
Curious to learn more? Recommended resources below!
***Note from Ansley:***
We've been working on themes of perfectionism recently with our beloved (and frequently referenced) play therapist, Dr. Lee Anne Dickerson, especially with one of our sons. Dr. Lee Anne had a kind twinkle in her eye when she said to me as we were leaving our last session, "Well, I wonder where he gets it from?!"
Perfectionism is a generational thing in our family—maybe it is for you too. It's hard to resist the tempting yet ultimately damaging siren song of perfectionism. "If I can just do everything right, don't mess up, then I can avoid the feeling of shame, judgment or blame," our deep inner voices tell us. But it's all an empty promise. There is no perfect person or perfect parent, and the constant striving only makes us feel worse about ourselves.
Our kids don't need perfect parents—they need us. Dr. Lee Anne introduced us to a book recently called "The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes," and even though she read it to my son, I think the one who needed to hear the freedom & permission to be human in the book was me.
This Labor Day, take a big, deep breath. I am. Hand over heart, we're doing hard work as parents & as humans, and it's not for the faint of heart. With you in the learning and on the journey. Onward, friends!
That’s all for this edition of Conscious Curiosity! Thanks for reading.
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Stay tuned for the next edition (zoom out) dropping September 15th! Reminder that the first six editions can be read here anytime.
Topic Preview | September: {relationships}
What makes a relationship happy & healthy?
Gottmans' Marriage Masters & Disasters, explained.
Up Next after Marriage series: {faith}
As a Christian, do you have to pick between believing in Creationism & Evolution?
Evolutionary Creationism, explained.
What to expect from Conscious Curiosity emails:
-
on the 1st of each month: "zoom in" editions with useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology.
- one "deep dive" + two fun facts, rotating spotlight between topics (relationships, faith & psychology)
- sneak peak of next month's content
- on the 15th of each month: "zoom out" editions with quick insights from experts & thought leaders to help us think about how we think.
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