Welcome to Conscious Curiosity: "zoom in" edition - a monthly email that offers useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology. Basically cliff notes for grown-ups!
On safety, attunement & co-regulation
Conscious Curiosity: Edition No. 3
{relationships}
How to make any relationship more secure: the 4 S’s, explained
In their book “The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired,” Interpersonal Neurobiology experts Dr. Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain the four building blocks of secure attachment - the 4 S’s.
However, research has revealed that these core needs are lifelong & are present in each of our close relationships, from spouses to parent/child to friendships. While the dynamics shift whether its parent/child, spouse to spouse, or peer to peer in a friendship, these four pillars are crucial for any relationship to be truly secure.
So what do we need in our relationships? Most especially, what do our kids need to feel from us as they grow up? Our core needs are to be:
- Safe
- Seen
- Soothed
- Secure
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Siegel & Bryson explain that the brain is an “association machine,” meaning that our relational experiences actually shape the "physical architecture of our brains & the ways it processes information. The brain learns to anticipate certain realities based on what has happened before.”
The bottom line: if we experience repeated experiences in our close relationships of feeling safe, seen & soothed, over time our brains are wired towards secure attachment & all the benefits that come with that.
But as you might guess, there’s more than meets the eye in what it means to feel safe, seen & soothed. Here is how Siegel & Bryson define each pillar:
Safe: physical, emotional & relational safety. Two primary aspects to safety: 1) protect the other person from harm and 2) avoid becoming the source of fear & threat. This encompasses abuse, neglect, relational/emotional dysfunction, & realities kids are not developmentally ready for (including media) in addition to physical safety. But no parent or relationship is perfect, & conflict will occur. When there is rupture, repair, repair, repair!
**more to come on repair in future CC issues...Dr. Becky, anyone?!**
Seen: an emotional sensation of feeling known & understood, or “feeling felt” as Siegel describes it. This is the basis of attunement in a relationship. Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman says attunement communicates: “When you’re in pain, the world stops & I listen.” When we feel seen, we feel like our internal experience & the other person’s response are a match.
Soothed: connecting with another person in a way that co-regulates their nervous system, helping to move them from a state of distress to a more regulated state. Siegel & Bryson note that the vast majority of the soothing process takes place nonverbally, such as tone of voice & facial expressions. The basic process is to validate, assure, identify emotions, & express empathy.
Secure: if we feel secure in a relationship, we’re more resilient in the face of stress, unafraid to make mistakes, and more authentic & vulnerable without fear of rejection. This confidence has endless benefits in every area of life, ranging from leadership skills to overall happiness & even to academic & career skills.
***Note from Ansley:***
there are so many stories I could share on this topic…times when relating out of the four S’s has helped to heal parts of my own heart, times when I fell woefully short & knew it (those stories are coming, I assure you), and even just recently when the podcast linked below *seriously* helped me in a parenting moment that I would have otherwise handled very differently (10/10 recommend that episode).
​The Power of Showing Up came out at the beginning of 2021 when we were still in the throes of the Covid pandemic. We were in between houses & living in north GA, and I was white knuckling every day with an infant & a toddler, processing a lot of medical trauma (past & ongoing) with our oldest child. I knew I wasn’t being the wife, mom, or person I hoped to be in that season of my life. Something about the message of this book encouraged my weary heart so much. I started praying over our boys every night, that God would help me to help them feel safe, seen, soothed & secure, and that in the ways I fell short, that His grace would cover us. The unexpected blessing was that in the mystery of His presence of those prayers, God helped ME feel more seen, safe, soothed & secure.
Curious to learn more? Recommended resources below:
{faith: fun fact}
According to NT Wright, largely considered the leading New Testament scholar of the last half century, one of the most familiar verses to many of us, Romans 8:28, was incorrectly translated.
The version most of us know is:
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
Wright says the above is an inaccurate translation of the original Greek verb structure & conveys that somehow, everything has a way of working out for good.
The more accurate translation is:
“We know, in fact, that God works all things together for good *with* those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.”
The significance of this in Wright's own words:
"First, Paul was saying that it's God who works 'all things together for good,' not that 'all things' were doing it under their own steam. Second, he was explaining how God does this. Specifically, he does it in collaboration with certain people.
He recruits human beings to share in his purposes in the world."
{psychology: fun fact}
Did you know that if you feel a panic attack coming on (or find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety), you can suck on a piece of sour candy to distract your brain?
The sensory experience of a strong sour taste pulls the brain's attention back to the present moment instead of existential fears. If you don't have sour candy available, try an ice cube or a cold, wet washcloth at the back of your neck.
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June | topic preview: {faith}
​What is the full translation of the Greek word for salvation? “Sozo,” explained.
July | topic preview: {psychology}
​What do our brains care about more than anything else? Neuroception, explained.
That’s all for the third edition of Conscious Curiosity!
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Stay tuned for the next edition dropping May 15th!
​www.consciouscuriosity.com
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What to expect from Conscious Curiosity emails:
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on the 1st of each month: "zoom in" editions with useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology.
- one "deep dive" + two fun facts, rotating spotlight between topics (relationships, faith & psychology)
- sneak peak of next month's content
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- on the 15th of each month: "zoom out" editions with quick insights from experts & thought leaders to help us think about how we think.
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