Welcome to Conscious Curiosity, where we break down concepts & insights from experts for normal people, particularly insights into relationships, faith & psychology. Basically cliff notes for grown-ups!
Here's this month's "zoom in" edition:
How our brains perceive & create reality
Conscious Curiosity: Edition No. 9
{psychology}
How do our brains combine both the past & the present to perceive "reality" in a given moment? Neuroception, explained—Part II:
We learned in the 7/1 CC about neuroception, our brain's unconscious threat detection system that tells our bodies (aka nervous systems) if we are safe from micro moment to micro moment.
To recap, neuroception constantly scans three environments to detect cues of safety or danger— 1: within your own body 2: outside in the environment 3: between people.
If our brain decides we're safe, we're in connection mode. If it senses a threat, we flip to protection mode—meaning that the way we "neuroceive" highly impacts our responses in any given moment, so we want it to read the room correctly, so to speak.
BUT, we must understand that our brain/body's response to environmental cues in the present moment is not a reflection of reality...but of our nervous system's PERCEPTION of reality.
As Robyn Gobbel explains, in every unfolding moment, our brains are creating our experience of reality by processing two streams of information that flow together to create one river. That river is our subjective experience of reality. So what are the two streams that make our experience of reality subjective instead of objective?
1. The stream of the NOW: what is objectively happening in this moment.
2. The stream of the PAST: all of the experiences in my life that have happened before this moment.
If our brains didn't do this, everything would be new all the time—nothing we learn in any category of life would ever stick. We can see how this is a hugely important & necessary function of the brain. BUT, these streams of information don't always come in at the same rate or in a balanced way—in fact, they rarely do.
Gobbel says: "The stream of the past floods in like a tsunami, while the stream of the here & now is like a trickle. The 'now' gets completely flooded by the 'past.'"
This means that your experience of reality might be quite different from the other person or people with you in any given situation, because each person's past experiences are shaping their experience of the present moment.
It also means that our neuroception can be faulty–either hypervigilant or hypovigilant–based on our past experiences. Our brains store past information to predict the future, and it is a protective mechanism to recognize things that have cued danger or safety in the past & react accordingly. That can be a tone or pitch or volume of voice, certain sounds (auditory cues are actually very powerful), even a color that our brains associate with a certain past experience, facial expressions, sensations in our body—just about anything can be stored as a cue of danger or safety, either accurately or inaccurately.
So what does this all mean as we tune into our own nervous systems, learning to "perceive our neuroception" as we said last month? And how does it apply to understanding our kids, our spouses & even ourselves?
TL;DR: any time we encounter a big reaction that we don't understand (whether in someone else or ourselves), the best response is compassion & curiosity.
Husband overreacting to something you said? Get curious about what came up for him when you said it (and don't be defensive...which is easier said than done!).
Your kid is losing their mind over something that makes no sense? Show lots of compassion about how they're feeling. When they're calm, see if they can explain any more about what made them so upset.
Friend said something you know they didn't intend as hurtful but you can't stop ruminating on it? Be compassionate towards yourself & get curious about what stories from your past might be being stirred up by that comment.
This perspective helps us see people as "struggling humans who are sometimes overwhelmed by their past and/or unhealed experiences," as Gobbel says, rather than troublemakers, liars, manipulators, or people who are just overdramatic—which in & of itself is a powerful & potentially healing shift.
Curious to learn more? Recommended resources below!
***Note from Ansley:***
Whew, it's a lot, right?! I don't have any earth-shattering wisdom around any of this. In fact, one of the things that stuck out the most to me in my research was that no matter how much you know & understand about all of this, your nervous system will always win in a battle between your body & brain. So while I might cognitively understand a decent amount about neuroception & that my brain is reacting more to the past than the present, that doesn't actually influence how I react in a triggering situation unless my nervous system believes that. Which is much more complicated than my brain understanding that.
There are all kinds of ways to communicate safety to our nervous systems when we're flooded, but the #1 foolproof way is through breathing techniques. Deep breaths are my go to, specifically box breathing & exhaling longer than I inhale. If you have an Apple Watch, this app is a great tool to connect with & be mindful of your breath throughout the day.
The last thing I'll leave you with is what Dr. Lee Anne, our wonderful play therapist, said when I asked her recently what she wished she could say to every parent:
The single most important thing I wish every parent knew is how important their own self-regulation is in their desire & efforts to help their child with their emotions & behavior.
- Dr. Lee Anne Dickerson, PsyD
Pretty compelling, right? I don't know about you, but that makes me want to *figure my ish out* so I can support our boys as best I can!
{this edition has enough info for one month, so we're skipping fun facts!}
That’s all for this edition of Conscious Curiosity! Thanks for reading.
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Stay tuned for the next edition (zoom out) dropping August 15th! Reminder that the first six editions can be read here anytime.
Up Next:
{relationships}
What makes a relationship happy & healthy?
Gottmans' Marriage Masters & Disasters, explained.
{faith}
As a Christian, do you have to pick between believing in Creationism & Evolution?
Evolutionary Creationism, explained.
What to expect from Conscious Curiosity emails:
-
on the 1st of each month: "zoom in" editions with useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology.
- one "deep dive" + two fun facts, rotating spotlight between topics (relationships, faith & psychology)
- sneak peak of next month's content
- on the 15th of each month: "zoom out" editions with quick insights from experts & thought leaders to help us think about how we think.
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