Welcome to Conscious Curiosity, where we break down concepts & insights from experts for normal people, particularly insights into relationships, faith & psychology. Basically cliff notes for grown-ups!
Here's this month's "zoom in" edition:
On Imago, Part II: The Couples Dialogue
Conscious Curiosity: Edition No. 17
{psychology + relationships}
The Transformational Power of the Imago Couples Dialogue
Last month, we learned about the core tenets of Imago Theory, which can be an incredibly helpful tool to discovering why we're drawn to certain people or why we keep repeating certain relational patterns over & over.
But no matter how much we might understand about ourselves or our partner, communicating through differences & emotionally charged conversations can still be incredibly difficult. One of the differentiators of Imago Theory is the development of its core skill: the Couples Dialogue.
Dr. Harville Hendrix & Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, the founders of Imago Theory, say: "Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small & large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued, & even loved, but not made to be identical to our own."
Dialogue is a structured communication process designed to foster understanding, connection & emotional safety. It involves a three-step process of mirroring, validating, & empathizing to help couples slow down conversations, reduce defensiveness, & ensure both partners feel heard.
The guiding principle of the Dialogue technique is something we all learned in kindergarten, which is to take turns & don't interrupt! This applies in all three steps of the Dialogue.
1. Mirroring
One partner speaks, and the other partner listens. The listening partner then reflects back what they hear—without commentary, correction, or interpretation (easier said than done, but crucial!!). It sounds like:
“Let me see if I got that."
{state explicitly or paraphrase what your partner said}
Ask: "Did I get that?"
If your partner confirms you got it, then ask: "Is there more?"
If there is more, respond again with: "Let me see if I got that."
The dialogue continues until the speaking partner has said everything he or she needs to say.
When the listener says, “is there more about that,” that partner is moving into curiosity. Curiosity opens the door to understanding & ultimately, to compassion.
2. Validation
The next step is validating your partner's point of view. This doesn't mean you necessarily agree with their point of view, just that you have entered their world enough to see things from their perspective.
Validation sounds like:
“You make sense because...” and explain the way you understand what your partner just shared & why they feel the way they do.
The responding partner is saying their partner has a valid point of view, whether or not the responding partner agrees with it. Hunt & Hendrix say that one of the worst habits many of us have is defending our own point of view as being superior or the only one that counts. When we validate, we create safety & the possibility of truly being known.
3. Empathy
The final step is empathy, or trying to imagine how your partner is feeling. It deepens the conversation & increases the capacity of the listening partner to try to understand what their partner might be feeling.
Empathizing sounds like:
“Given that, I can imagine that you might be feeling..." and use the word or few words that you think describe your partner's feelings.
Then ask: "Did I get your feelings right?"
We all want to feel heard & to be told we make sense. Plus, when has anyone ever gained ground in a relationship by arguing & just telling the other person how crazy they are?!
But when we not only validate the logic but also see & affirm the other person's emotions, it creates the feeling of being loved. This is the final step of the dialogue.
The first few attempts at practicing the structure of the Couples Dialogue can feel awkward & forced. Oftentimes couples learn & practice the Dialogue Structure with the help of an Imago Therapist, which can be very helpful.
But with time & practice, the Dialogue process becomes more natural. Couples find that they can actually hear & understand their partner, sometimes for the first time in years.
Curious to learn more? Recommended resources below!
***Note from Ansley:***
The Dialogue Structure might sound hokey & like "who actually talks like that??" but it really is such a helpful tool for communication & understanding, especially through emotionally charged conversations.
Dr. Kathy Malcolm Hall, licensed couples' therapist & certified Imago relationship therapist (not to mention our actual marriage counselor!) says that research shows that only 13% of what people say to each other is actually heard, and that the Dialogue Structure is an incredibly helpful tool to address that problem. She says:
"Imago Therapy has some commonalities with all the other good models, but its unique use of the Couples' Dialogue is why I chose it as the model to use most often. Teaching couples IN SESSION how to talk with each other a bit more vulnerably, safely, and effectively enhances their connection in the office & provides couples with something to do more productively at home.
Being present for & a witness to dialogue between couples has been & continues to be a sacred ground that I am so grateful to be a part of each day. I’ve seen many a miracle of vulnerability, authenticity a&grown-up love in my office and 'in the between' as we say in the Imago language. It gives a platform & helps couples grow up into real love.
It really a powerful framework to talk to anyone, not just your partner!
Nobody asked me, but I sure wish someone would come teach all of Congress how to dialogue with each other!!! 😆 Even if they'd just adhere to the guiding principle of listening without interrupting & taking turns talking with the intention of listening to actually understand the other party, don't you think our country might look a little different? I sure do!
Stay tuned for the next edition (zoom out) dropping December 15th!
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on the 1st of each month: "zoom in" editions with useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology.
- one "deep dive" + two fun facts, rotating spotlight between topics (relationships, faith & psychology)
- sneak peak of next month's content
- on the 15th of each month: "zoom out" editions with quick insights from experts & thought leaders to help us think about how we think.
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