Welcome to Conscious Curiosity, where we break down concepts & insights from experts for normal people, particularly insights into relationships, faith & psychology. Basically cliff notes for grown-ups!
Here's this month's "zoom in" edition:
On Imago: the hidden blueprint behind who we love
Conscious Curiosity: Edition No. 15
{psychology + relationships}
How our romantic partners are mirrors that reflect what old stories want to be rewritten
Do ever wonder what makes two people fall in love with each other?
Or why people choose the partners they choose, especially if there is a pattern of choosing partners with certain characteristics that tend to play out in the same storyline over & over?
Dr. Harville Hendrix & Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, the pioneers of Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), have 40+ years of research & clinical experience that has resulted in a theory of relationships that is both clinically fascinating & relationally transformative.
The Latin word “imago”—meaning “image”—refers to the “unconscious image of familiar love.” Hendrix & Hunt simplify the understanding of one's Imago as "the composite image formed by the people most responsible for your survival as a child."
Essentially, our caregivers when we were a children had many traits, both positive & negative, and our interactions with them formed our understanding of what love feels like. As adults, we gravitate towards people with the very same characteristics (both positive & negative!)—in fact, the expression of those traits in the relationship are essential for attraction to form.
Dr. Hendrix says:
Unconsciously you will draw to yourself the partner who will bring out your greatest frustrations. They're going to invite you into all those parts of you that didn't fully grow or fully mature in childhood, and they will activate all those wounds, those unmet needs & those defense mechanisms you developed.
Romantic love is set up such that we are drawn to the right person for our maximal personal healing & growth.
So what does this mean? What does this really look like in the day in, day out of a committed relationship?
Hendrix says that in all chronic, repetitive frustration in our romantic relationships is rooted in unfinished business from childhood. We can better understand our chronic relational frustrations when we shift from pointing the finger at our partner to framing conflicts as activations of previously unmet needs.
For example, if you were frequently criticized as a child, you will likely be highly sensitive to your partner’s criticism...and ironically, it's likely that you attracted a partner with a critical bent. If you had a caregiver who was somewhat aloof & withdrawn, odds are you will be drawn towards someone who shares those same characteristics; yet they will ultimately trigger feelings of loneliness & isolation, just as before. We unconsciously gravitate towards what feels familiar—even if it hurts.
Hendrix & Hunt say that frustration in a relationship is a good sign, as it's a sign that growth is trying to happen. Imago frames relational conflict not as a sign of a bad relationship, but as a signal that something is asking for healing.
TLDR; Core Tenets of Imago Theory:
- We carry an unconscious image of love (the “imago”) formed in childhood.
- We often select partners who resonate with that image — both the safe and the painful pieces.
- Repetitive conflict is an invitation to look deeper into our stories & our partner's stories to learn more about the wounds & unmet needs from the past that are being triggered in the present relationship.
If this all sounds like woo-woo psychobabble & you're not at all sure it fits for you & your partner, consider doing this Imago Worksheet with your partner. Nate & I did in the early days of working with Kathy, our marriage counselor, and it completely blew our minds.
Curious to learn more? Recommended resources below!
***Note from Ansley:***
I'm telling you, if there was ever a Conscious Curiosity that I am passionate about & hope effectively delivers on "cliff notes for grown ups," this one might just top the list. Nate & I have only been married 8.5 years, but by God's grace, there hasn't been a season in our marriage thus far where we were in the ditch, so to speak. However, being introduced to Imago & working with Kathy has been SO powerful for us. The amount of insight, understanding & compassion we have gained for each other through this paradigm has just been incredible. It's brought us so much closer & makes us both wish we'd started years ago.
I asked Kathy, "Why does Imago focus so much on patterns and imprints from childhood + family of origin?" and her answer beautifully captures what Nate and I have experienced:
"Seeing ourselves and our partners in context provides a platform for deepening compassion & understanding. Self-compassion & partner compassion cannot exist with judgement, blame, & criticism. When we really understand one another, the negativity stops.
So Imago Therapy looks back at history and childhood to help us deeply know and understand one another. And when people feel understood, they feel loved."
- Dr. Kathy Malcolm Hall
I also asked Kathy to share from her perspective how Imago is unique from other marriage therapy paradigms, especially how it helps couples break out of gridlock:
"Imago Therapy has some commonalities with all the other good models, but its unique use of the Couples' Dialogue is why I chose it as the model to use most often. Teaching couples IN SESSION how to talk with each other a bit more vulnerably, safely, and effectively enhances their connection in the office & provides couples with something to do more productively at home.
Only 13% of what people say to one another is actually heard. The Dialogue Structure addresses that problem with a tool/practice that can help lessen loneliness & lack of connection."
- Dr. Kathy Malcolm Hall
Next month, we're going to dive into what the Couples' Dialogue Structure is and why that is such a gamechanger. It's a powerful framework to talk to anyone, not just your partner!!
Stay tuned for the next edition (zoom out) dropping November 15th!
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What to expect from Conscious Curiosity emails:
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on the 1st of each month: "zoom in" editions with useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology.
- one "deep dive" + two fun facts, rotating spotlight between topics (relationships, faith & psychology)
- sneak peak of next month's content
- on the 15th of each month: "zoom out" editions with quick insights from experts & thought leaders to help us think about how we think.
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