Welcome to Conscious Curiosity, where we break down concepts & insights from experts for normal people, particularly insights into relationships, faith & psychology. Basically cliff notes for grown-ups!
Here's this month's "zoom in" edition:
On what separates relationship masters from disasters
Conscious Curiosity: Edition No. 13
{psychology + relationships}
How Drs. John & Julie Gottman study couples to learn what makes love last:
In the June issue of CC, we learned about Drs. John & Julie Gottman, the preeminent researchers on marital stability & divorce prediction, and the shockingly accurate predictions they can make about a couple's future after observing them discuss a conflict for just three minutes.
Through Gottman's 50+ years of research on couples & relationships, he has collected an incredible amount of data & truly is without comparison in terms of his contribution to the field of marriage studies. At his "Love Lab" at the University of Washington in Seattle, Gottman has studied over 3,000 couples across several decades, following some couples for as long as twenty years, and he can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.
So what did he learn about what patterns & behaviors separate the "Masters" from the "Disasters"? More importantly, how can we learn from all this research & implement helpful tools so we fall closer to the Master camp than the Disaster camp?
As you can imagine with 3,000+ couples & decades of research, this could become a very long CC very quickly. Trying to summarize Gottman's research is like trying to drink water from a fire hydrant...BUT, we'lll highlight a few key tenets here & link generously to further reading.
A "bid" is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Basically, it is any attempt by one partner to connect in a positive way with the other partner. It could be a wink, a smile, a request for advice or help or time or attention. Learning to recognize your partner's bids is crucial to staying connected to them, as "missing" a bid (aka "turning away") can be even more damaging than outright rejecting or "turning against" a bid, as more obvious instances of "turning against" tend to ultimately create opportunities for repair, whereas preoccupation & regularly missing bids altogether tends to create covert resentment.
"Masters" in marriage turn towards each other 86% of the time. Couples that divorced turned towards each other only 33% of the time. Bids are important!
2. The Four Horseman—Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling & Defensiveness.
As the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse predict the End Times, the presence of the Four Horseman in Gottman's research predict the end of a relationship.
- Criticism: Different than voicing a frustration, criticism is an attack on your partner's character (ex: you are always late).
- Contempt: The most damaging of the Four Horseman, contempt is an expression of disgust & contains an element of moral superiority. Gottman says contempt is the "sulfuric acid" of a relationship. Any name-calling, eye-rolling or mockery is a form of contempt.
- Defensiveness: Typically a response to criticism, defensiveness is problematic because it avoids taking personal responsibility & reverses blame. It also invalidates the partner's perspective & feelings.
- Stonewalling: This is often a response to contempt & is exactly what it sounds like: withdrawing from the conversation such that it feels like a stone wall has been erected between partners.
Every relationship has conflict—that is unavoidable & actually healthy. But learning to recognize the presence of the Four Horseman in your arguments can be the first step to turning the tide. Every Horseman has an antidote, described HERE.
3. Emotional Intelligence & Attunement–being able to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, and to attune to your partner’s emotions.
Emotional intelligence doesn't mean remaining calm at all times—we're all human & experience a range of emotions. It means being able to step back from what you're feeling, creating some space between your emotions & your actions (or reactions) so that communication can be more clear & conflict is easier to navigate.
Attuning to your partner, as we've said before, is about the process of "feeling felt," or as Gottman says: "When you're in pain, the world stops & I listen." That sentence alone would be a gamechanger in many of our relationships, right??!
4. Small Things Often–the ratio of positive to negative interactions is a huge deal.
Gottman discovered that for every negative interaction in conflict, there should be five or more positive interactions to maintain a happy, stable marriage. Outside of conflict, happy couples had an even higher positive-to-negative ratio—20:1. Having a ratio below 5:1 is a potential indicator for divorce, according to Gottman.
Gottman's bottom line: it's not whether you fight, it's how you fight. Strong marriages are built on everyday friendship, trust, repair & respect.
Don't take my word for it on John & Julie Gottman's research & evidence-based wisdom...they have written several best-selling books that topped the charts for a reason!
Curious to learn more? Recommended resources below!
***Note from Ansley:***
As we embark on this series about marriage, I have to offer up a disclaimer up front: I am no expert on marriage. I am an expert to some degree in MY marriage (as is my husband), but that does not extend to being an authority on the subject matter as a whole. We are 8.5 years in & say all the time that we wouldn't want to be married to anyone else...but that doesn't mean we think anyone else should listen to what we have to say about marriage.
With that said, I'm thrilled to share that Dr. Kathy Malcolm Hall, licensed couples' therapist & certified Imago relationship therapist (not to mention our actual marriage counselor!) has agreed to lend her voice & expertise to this series.
Nate & I are so grateful for Kathy & her wisdom in our lives, and we have benefitted massively from her presence as our wise guide through the wilderness of the space between us & within ourselves. We didn't come to her in a crisis; we came because we want the best marriage possible...in all our ups, downs & in-betweens.
I asked Kathy what the core of her work as a marriage therapist is, and I was blown away by her response:
People think they come here to talk about what they know, but they really come to un-know the things they think they know, both about themselves and their partner, that are keeping them from love and partnership.
I wish I could tell every husband or wife out there that likely, you married an unshakably good person. Are they ineffective at relating to you sometimes, at meeting your needs somehow? Yes. But believe they are up to good.
A whole word right there, right? Next month, we'll share more about Imago Theory of Relationships, which is the paradigm that we have found particularly helpful in our own marriage as we work with Kathy. More to come!
Stay tuned for the next edition (zoom out) dropping October 15th!
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What to expect from Conscious Curiosity emails:
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on the 1st of each month: "zoom in" editions with useful tidbits from the experts on relationships, faith & psychology.
- one "deep dive" + two fun facts, rotating spotlight between topics (relationships, faith & psychology)
- sneak peak of next month's content
- on the 15th of each month: "zoom out" editions with quick insights from experts & thought leaders to help us think about how we think.
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